My Random Notes » emotion

days passing

lililysol — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 09:37:49 +0000

these days move into months
and I still find you here
stuck to my soul
seems unfair to be so far
and still find you here
so close to my heart

found very late
as lovers often do

and I wish you could turn
this heart of mine to song
and carry it with you, all yours
a matching tune
so perfectly together
oh the things we would sing
and be unafraid
of the eyes that pervade
and invade the things we could be

if it could set you free
so you could be
all you
and I could find you complete
away from shame and guilt
and those words that pull you under

to walk with you
outside of a secret
and not have to hide
all the things we truly are

years are far too precious to waste
dragging out all the things you’ve failed
trying to be someone you’re not
and searching for things that don’t exist

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weary

lililysol — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 04:04:25 +0000

when darkness surrounds
and my heart can’t be found
will you give up on me
will you turn your back
and say all is lost
if confusion and doubt
break into my weary mind
will your light shine through
and tell me how to find
a way to keep on
to stay in the game

waiting

lililysol — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 03:52:43 +0000

sadly lay your head
and I will mine
gently flow the tears
that flood my mind
follow the paths that lead to nowhere
listen to the voices you cannot hear
confusion drowns the changing thoughts
while grief takes over when all is lost
sadly lay your head
and I will mine
gently flow the tears
that flood my mind
sing sweet songs to the ones who are lost
find out your way no matter the cost
fight all the battles that rage in your mind
wipe away the tears that once made you blind
no more lays the head
that’s full of grief
no more flow the tears
without relief
look towards a day when you can see
that the troubles today will make you free
walk all the miles to a brand new day
live out your life in every way

old school

lililysol — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 03:43:14 +0000

I found some interesting journal type things from back in the day and thought I would post them in my notes for fun… enjoy

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still breathing

lililysol — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 06:08:52 +0000

After taking a long break from blogging, I’ve returned to view my website and see how it is doing.

It’s funny when I look back at some of the things I’ve written… my notes, things about my life and whatever I have been going through at certain points… sometimes I think it was so silly how I felt about things or what I was worried about.

I hope that what I’m going through at the moment becomes one of those times. It’s one of the hardest things in the world to release someone knowing that you really couldn’t live without them and if you couldn’t be with them, then things would get scary. I always thought that if a man and woman really loved each other, then they could go through anything together, supporting each other and sharing in the struggle. I’m learning that life sometimes throws things in your path that you would never have expected. Sometimes those things need to be handled in more creative ways. And just when I think I have everything figured out, things get flipped up-side-down… over and over again… maybe I should learn to expect the unexpected. However, one of the biggest things I struggle with at the moment is patience to wait through these uncertainties.

I hope that soon I can look back at this post and think how silly I am to be anxious about these things.

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passing through

lililysol — Wed, 20 May 2009 14:31:36 +0000

can’t put words to so many questions
the perfection of you is marred
by so much insecurity
your if’s are more than I can comprehend
clouds pass and some are here to stay
but how to discern

can I say what’s in my heart
will it just confuse and hurt
expectations drown in blurs of tears
haunted by each other’s words
don’t want to regret leaving a mark
am I just waiting for a broken heart
but I’ll crawl into your arms again
hold me and tonight will last forever

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no words

lililysol — Sun, 03 May 2009 23:41:23 +0000

if you say that house was built on love
then I’d shake it to the ground
foundations scream from beneath the ruins
and I’ll break every door and window
that you meticulously built

you don’t know what it means
and maybe we never will
so don’t put it on my shoulders

no words can make it justified
and you can’t hold my conviction
there’s always a bad guy, they say
someone has to take the blame
so will it always be me
every time around

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earth day

lililysol — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 23:09:23 +0000

where do birds go
when concrete and stone grow out of control
when steel and glass reach to the sky
crawling ever higher
when wind, rain and bitter cold eat at the shell
turning all to rubble and dust
when smoke and exhaust cloud the sky
no blue can be seen, no green can be found

where does my heart go
when the sun hides it’s light
when it’s rays leave brittle grey sky
where can my eyes turn friendly and my feet slow their pace

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unshakable

lililysol — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:19:04 +0000

if you could see my hands
would the blood run them clean
when all you see is innocence
and all I see is confusion
mistakes are all I’ve ever known
but I’m tired of everything right

and I wish I could fly
but you’re my only wings
people come and people go
but you remain my constant

the days that turn into months I wait
feigning my patient heart
and I wish you unburdened in every way
but there’s nothing I could take

your pain and stress are yours alone
and I have my own to bear

I seem to ask so much of you
but all I want is all of you
this thing unshakable
just can’t give you up

-unshakable (Monday, October 13 at 6:58pm)

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lililysol — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:18:17 +0000

watching you in an angry sea
the waves of your life crashing into my heart
anguished moments when you disappear
this heart beat grows with every anxious second

as the hours slip out of our hands
those chances passing and not returning
fingers grasp for stolen moments
too far to reach
voices fade like airport announcements
you captured this part of me
but I don’t want it back
so now you have all of me

and I’ll seize your heart
take it far across my sea
bury you down on a sandy shore
until you’re ready to arise

-next (Monday, October 6 at 6:42pm)

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what I need

lililysol — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:17:17 +0000

if you could see what my silence meant
would it scare you to know
can you tell what it’s like when I push you away
would you be strong enough to want me to stay
the things you need to know
I never want to speak
it’s complicated, but better for me
I’ll hide in a neon bubble
and you’ll always think you can see

-what I need (Monday, June 9, 2008 at 11:45pm)

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you and me

lililysol — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:14:15 +0000

I don’t want to slide again
maybe the reigns you hold
should be my only friends
but see how they’re starting to itch
so what do I do
when it gets too tight
break that collar now
before it gets too hot
don’t ask me how I feel
I’m still getting to know me
because sometimes your presence makes me feel more lonely

-you and me (Monday, June 9, 2008 at 11:34pm)

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this time

lililysol — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:12:47 +0000

I hold your promise on the tip of my finger
I’ve been torn like that before
so maybe I knew what was coming

leave behind those things I thought I was
turning slowly to wait on only you
this time

if you see me lonely it’s cause I’m ripping from myself
is this the rebellion I should stay away from
I wouldn’t have the words, so I’ll speak nothing for your ears

-this time (Tuesday, May 13, 2008 at 1:57am)

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state of mind

lililysol — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:12:03 +0000

if it suffocates you
try to unlock that door
I won’t give you all the answers
cause it never was that simple

but if you’re in this room
I’ll help you fight your way out
cause when I don’t know what to feel
I write it all down

I can never be that girl
I’m not that easy to follow
the sad songs make it clear
everything I’ve held is out of my hands

last week was all better
but it quickly slipped away
so clean and easy
you had to break it down

you’re living but not alive
and I can’t turn it off
cause then I’m left
just my thoughts for company

-state of mind (Wednesday, May 7, 2008 at 8:22pm)

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the past

lililysol — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:11:14 +0000

remember how I used to feel that ache
and wonder where you were
but now I add you to my list
laundry
pack
vacuum
grow tired of your company
turn up the music loud
dance and sing cause no one can hear
in my passing thoughts I’ll reflect on you
and how it could have been
and how I never want it again
you thought you were so much to me
well maybe
maybe once you had that over me
but it’s long gone
cause now I’m on the other side
and there’s no turning back to your door

-the past (Friday, April 11, 2008 at 11:15am)

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my decision

lililysol — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:10:26 +0000

If I’m incapable of deception
then I’ll make myself unknown to you
I won’t let you see from where you’re standing

I’ll do what I can to push you away
it’s for your own good,
or didn’t you know it all along

but I’m fighting for the will to fight
and if you try to break my stride
you just might see my courage burning

I thought I’d better warn you
that If I keep up with this torture
it’ll wear us both down

you’ll find I’m not that strong
but you’ll be sorry to see me walk away
cause I won’t be losing that impulse

I’m going back to my beginning
to remember those decisions that I made
and what I’m doing here

-my decision (Monday, April 7, 2008 at 7:13pm)

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confessions

lililysol — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:09:46 +0000

I won’t drag myself down or hold this candle for you anymore
Tired of thinking ahead and holding out for you
I’m letting go and going under

I won’t be asking you to save me or looking for your touch
Let go of that fear cause I’m not gonna lie
I’ll tell you what I never wanted if you promse to agree

The game is over cause the clock’s running out
We’re at the finish line so let’s walk it off
It’s time to catch my breath and clear you from my head

-confessions (Friday, March 14, 2008 at 11:14pm)

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galvanized

lililysol — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:09:02 +0000

why do you fight this so much
try to keep from going under
giving up too soon to avoid the pain

and breaking your heart first
is always easier than letting him in

keep your distance
to keep from falling hard

not wanting to awaken courage
you keep those things hidden

is it inevitable or may it just work
but you’ll never know
if you never speak what you should

so stand up and try
or you can wait and it will burn you down

it’s your call, it’s your move
the game’s already started
you can play or you can lose

-galvanized (Monday, February 25, 2008 at 9:18pm)

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my door

lililysol — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:08:11 +0000

if I didn’t invite you
then you’d better back away
you haven’t been a friend
and you don’t know your place

so hang your head pretty boy
cause you don’t have the answers
and you think it’s all wrong
but my heart has to play

and for all the rest
who think they know me best
have to look at me in all the wrong ways
I can’t get excited to give you what I don’t feel

do I have to explain it
cause it makes no sense to me
what more can I do, but keep avoiding you
if I thought you really listened it might not be this way

but I can’t change your ways
or make you understand
so sit still and pretend we’re ok
just enjoy the view of my front door

-my door (Monday, February 25, 2008 at 7:35pm)

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the stars

lililysol — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:07:26 +0000

walking down this road
looking at the ground
never needed to complain

looked up for just a moment
do a double-take
see those stars for the first time
all this time they were there

walking down this life
looking at myself
wanting to complain
missing out on everything else

-the stars (Tuesday, February 19, 2008 at 11:03pm)

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