My Random Notes

Yesterday I thought it would be interesting to visit some medical websites to see if any minor symptoms I sometimes experience have anything in common or if they add up to some life-threatening disease that I would have hither-to known nothing about. The age old, “is there something wrong with me?” question is one I have struggled with since childhood and I’m constantly wondering and searching for the answer and it constantly eludes me. Now, I’m not a hypochondriac by any means (I realize it’s completely unconvincing for me to just state that), but hopefully my family and friends would know that I’m not one to make more of any pain or illness that I may experience.

Anyway, my experience yesterday further disappointed my hopes of every finding anything treatable or diagnosable in my repertoire of symptoms. I spent nearly 2 hours scrolling down what was at first quoted as 9 pages, unfortunately they declined to include the ‘half pages,’ ie – page 5i, etc into that statement. The in-depth questions ranged from anything about the fullness of the hair on my head and direction of ridges on my nails to the smell and colour of my urine, to the exact area of pain felt in my stomach, since that’s easy to pinpoint. Although tedious and mind-numbing, the detailed questions raised my hopes of receiving some kind of considerate analysis and perhaps suggestions of conditions or illnesses for which to seek testing.

Questions answered to the best of my knowledge, I clicked to send in my questionnaire and waited impatiently for the reply in my in-box. I was slightly let-down to begin with as after clicking to send it in, I was asked if I wanted to order any of three further analysis options, the computer analysis for a mere $25, the standard doctor review for $55, or the full doctor review for $77. I had to wonder what exactly would be analyzing my questionnaire if it wouldn’t even be the computer, a badger? Oh well, I still waited in anticipation… for 2 more hours…

Finally I received my diagnosis! The big news… drum roll….

I, like many other women, have a risk of breast cancer and should eat more fruits and vegetables and take exercise regularly. Hmmm… informative…

Last time I ever do an online diagnosis, unless of course it looks like it might be legit… right?

different versions of my name derived from attempts at fast typing:

• Lia
• Lsia
• Kisa
• LIsa
• Lis
• :osa

Now I don’t know if I am the only one in the world who has ever felt like this, but have any of you ever felt like you just don’t fit into boxes? I’m not talking about physical boxes, I mean boxes that society, friends, family, the media, organizations or the workplace tries to put you in. Sometimes I think it’s difficult, if not, impossible to escape them altogether. In a sense, we all tend to put people in boxes so that we can understand them and perhaps relate to them.

Maybe I am the only one who’s ever felt like jumping up and screaming during a meeting, or randomly just disagreeing with everything someone says, just to see their reaction. Doing something that tells people, “I’m not that person, I’m not who you think I am!” But it’s not that easy. I wonder if in some cases it’s a box I put myself into, in order to please people, or just to make a situation easier or make a process quicker. But I think there is a line one can cross where this becomes a danger. A danger perhaps not easily detected by anyone on the outside, maybe not even by close friends (or those who consider themselves close). But I think for everyone there’s only so far you can go in a box. Maybe this is just my crazy experience, I mean, I’ve seen many living in the same situations I’ve been in and they still continue to thrive and fit… but I couldn’t.

I’m sure it’s obvious now that I’m talking not in general terms, but in terms of my own experience of being in boxes. I think the boxes were kindly meant by those around me, and weren’t completely forced upon be, but there was a sense that if I didn’t fit into the boxes, then something was wrong with me. Well, maybe there is something wrong with me. In the end the boxes could never fit and I broke out. The breaking caused a lot of hurt and painful situations, and for that I feel sorry. But the sense of freedom I’ve found, the release of pressure and expectation has brought me more happiness, peace and satisfaction than I could have hoped for.

I’m not recommending my choices or my way of being relieved from the boxes. But perhaps this blog can help prevent others from locking themselves in boxes; choosing carefully how you appear to others, or how you allow people to process your identity. For myself, I must say that there were times I tried to fight against people’s assumptions about me, but it’s difficult to change minds when they are already made up. So maybe the only real ‘advice’ I could give is for you to be yourself. How cliche is that?! Ha ha, but I guess it is a lesson I have learned the hard way. I believe I was ‘myself’ but I hid much about myself for too long, my desires, my passions, my frustrations and that, for me, led to danger and the feeling of being trapped. I allowed people to build assumptions, hopes, dreams, and plans around me and including me without being fully invested in the same. Unfortunately, those people have suffered great disappointment.

I think in my case it was the fault of both sides. Myself not revealing all to others, and others not making the effort to search deeper inside me.

Yes, I am making an irrefutable proclamation:

Everyone needs a boyfriend blanket.

Yes, you read that right, everyone needs a boyfriend blanket. I know it sounds silly, but once you’ve had one, you can never return to normal life without it.

I highly reccommend faux suede, in fact my boyfriend blanket has one side of faux suede and the reverse is some kind of soft amazingness I can’t even describe.

And I don’t care whether you live in the desert of the Savanna or the peaks of the Himalayas, you need a boyfriend blanket. Yes, you, you need one… just trust me and imagine the soft material caressing your skin while the tough outer ‘suede’ material protects against drafts, harsh north winds, dry desert sands and the like.

Now some of you may be thinking to yourself, “hey, this article makes me feel a little funny inside because although this boyfriend blanket thing sounds enticing, I am a boy/girl who is not actually interested in anything labeled ‘boyfriend.’” Well buddy boy/girl, I have news for you; in this day and age, I don’t care whether you want to sleep next to a giraffe when night falls, a boyfriend blanket will change your life for the better, forever. (PS – you can also label it ‘girlfriend’ if you are so inclined, but in my personal opinion it just won’t be the same, so go ahead and have the guts to say, “YES, I have a boyfriend blanket and I am in love with it!)

Um, the end.

What an exciting day! This is my first post on my first blog on my very own website! I’m just all full of jitters! Ok, maybe not, but it’s pretty cool nonetheless…

So here is where I write all of my random brilliant thoughts and whatnot, which I have lots of… right? maybe? I hope so….

Anyway, well let’s see where this goes… I hope people enjoy it, even if it only ends up being my friends and family. Oh well, isn’t that what they’re for, supporting eachother’s blogs, etc… sure, why not.

So I looked up a bunch of things about how to write a blog… and I skimmed some of them… but found most of them really boring, so I just decided to go ahead and do whatever I want on my blog… yay for freedom of speech!

Ok, I’m done rambling now… oh look, a squirrel!