Now I don’t know if I am the only one in the world who has ever felt like this, but have any of you ever felt like you just don’t fit into boxes? I’m not talking about physical boxes, I mean boxes that society, friends, family, the media, organizations or the workplace tries to put you in. Sometimes I think it’s difficult, if not, impossible to escape them altogether. In a sense, we all tend to put people in boxes so that we can understand them and perhaps relate to them.
Maybe I am the only one who’s ever felt like jumping up and screaming during a meeting, or randomly just disagreeing with everything someone says, just to see their reaction. Doing something that tells people, “I’m not that person, I’m not who you think I am!” But it’s not that easy. I wonder if in some cases it’s a box I put myself into, in order to please people, or just to make a situation easier or make a process quicker. But I think there is a line one can cross where this becomes a danger. A danger perhaps not easily detected by anyone on the outside, maybe not even by close friends (or those who consider themselves close). But I think for everyone there’s only so far you can go in a box. Maybe this is just my crazy experience, I mean, I’ve seen many living in the same situations I’ve been in and they still continue to thrive and fit… but I couldn’t.
I’m sure it’s obvious now that I’m talking not in general terms, but in terms of my own experience of being in boxes. I think the boxes were kindly meant by those around me, and weren’t completely forced upon be, but there was a sense that if I didn’t fit into the boxes, then something was wrong with me. Well, maybe there is something wrong with me. In the end the boxes could never fit and I broke out. The breaking caused a lot of hurt and painful situations, and for that I feel sorry. But the sense of freedom I’ve found, the release of pressure and expectation has brought me more happiness, peace and satisfaction than I could have hoped for.
I’m not recommending my choices or my way of being relieved from the boxes. But perhaps this blog can help prevent others from locking themselves in boxes; choosing carefully how you appear to others, or how you allow people to process your identity. For myself, I must say that there were times I tried to fight against people’s assumptions about me, but it’s difficult to change minds when they are already made up. So maybe the only real ‘advice’ I could give is for you to be yourself. How cliche is that?! Ha ha, but I guess it is a lesson I have learned the hard way. I believe I was ‘myself’ but I hid much about myself for too long, my desires, my passions, my frustrations and that, for me, led to danger and the feeling of being trapped. I allowed people to build assumptions, hopes, dreams, and plans around me and including me without being fully invested in the same. Unfortunately, those people have suffered great disappointment.
I think in my case it was the fault of both sides. Myself not revealing all to others, and others not making the effort to search deeper inside me.